9 Months

Today marks 9 months of sobriety. There aren't words to express how grateful I am that I decided it was time to make a change. I am no longer a victim in this world. I am no longer consumed by anger and rage. It's kinda funny, because all in all I have the same problems today that I had 9 months ago....but I am dealing with them differently. Today I have moments of serenity, moments of pure joy, a lot of hope.

I don't want anyone to think that everything is miraculously better. Somedays I still act like a total ass, to myself and others...some times I have a lot of faith and know that I am on the right path to my proper destiny. Sometimes, I lose sight of the miracle and everything gets dark and negative and painful. Thank God for the friends I have made in the past few months, and for those who have stood by my side for some time. Even though some people might not understand the journey I am on, appreciate the breathing room and respect I have been given. To my friends....I love you!

Now for some totally disjointed comments about Balance, and the lack of it in my life...perhaps I'll call this rants and raves!

Rants!

I have only done Crossfit 3 times in the last 2 weeks...this is so lame. 2 of those times have been at the globo gym...again LAME!

I saw my neighbor's cleaning lady show up this morning as we were leaving for work and school....can we say ENVY!!!! My house has not been spic and span for months now...it's more like a constant state of triage of the most dire health hazard!! Again....LAME!

My gardener sucks.....why can't I just make it a priority to find a new one....must work on this!!

Got paid, and paid bills.....bleh!!! too depressing for words, so I try to do it quickly and forget about it.

Car needs oil change, new rear tires and smog check. I've got a great mechanic, but organizing the drop off, getting the kids to school and the pick up....makes my head dizzy already.

Being separated is lame! I don't like it one bit. I don't know what will ultimately happen...this is a complicated topic, so I'll keep it vague and brief

Raves!

My girlfriend is coming over at 6 am tomorrow so I can go to my favorite AA meeting and take a 9 month chip, and then go to 8 am Crossfit.....Heaven. Did I mention she is a rock star goddess!!! A true gift!

The swing set in the backyard is the best money I have ever spent in my whole life. Jeffrey worked so hard to refurbish it and after only a week of having it up in the yard, I feel it was worth not only the $800 I paid for it, but also the other $250 I paid to have it taken down and delivered....have I mentioned my kids are flippin' monkeys?

The neighbors have given us, in the past week, an almost brand new pair of Birkenstock sandals and shin guards for Elias...plus a hand me down 14" Batman bike. They have also pledged a skateboard......heaven!!!!! In addition, they traded me a 1/2 used bottle of gnat and mosquito killer for the yard for my watching their little guy for an hour or so. I'm not sure they realize it makes my life easier when their guy is here!! I have the best neighbors!!!!

My mom came over this week and watered, did laundry, baked a chicken and root vegetables and bathed and fed my kids....did I mention she does windows.....thanks Mom!!

I love my kids. They rock beyond belief. I love the weekend...I love spending time with them.

Excited for Hillbilly Easter

What can I say.......I'm excited for hilbilly Easter. I was having a hard time deciding on a menu for Sunday dinner. In speaking with a good friend, we decided that it will be a full blown down home cookin event....with a little help from our good friend Honey Baked Ham. It's the anti-christ of a Zone Easter....hallelujah! Honey Baked Ham and Turkey, Baked Beans with Bacon, Conrbread, Cheesy scalloped potatoes, Broccoli (for good measure) and Strawberry Shortcake for dessert. Oh my!

The bunny reminded me that he prefers the sprinklers to be turned off so his fancy paws don't have to get wet when he hides his magical eggs in the yard. Silly Bunny!!!! Hopefully I'll remember, it's kind of a tall order amongst the usual chaos. Not chaos bad...just everyday chaos!!!

Anyway, I'm thinking a trip to the PHS farmer's market is in order for some fresh strawberries and perhaps some glorios flowers. And...if it happens to be raining, we will splash madly in the puddles as we peruse the goods. Yes, this sounds like a fun adventure!!

Happy Easter my freinds! God is good!!

Hope

Today I am refreshingly filled with hope. It's much better then where I've been the past couple of days. I am convinced that there will always be bumps on the road to happy destiny. What is important is to find a way to not let the bump careen you off the road into a dark pit. I'm learning how to absorb the bump, how to redirect, and how to be soft and kind...loving and tolerant. These are good things.

As a quick side note (frightening confession): 4 Easter baskets from the grandparents arrived yesterday, and I am now haunted and tortured by massive amounts of sugar in the house. I ingested an entire bag of bunny shaped gooey goodness. Damn I love a good gummy bunny! By next Wednesday, all that crap has got to leave my house.....my only control is not to have it...sorry kids.....your moms a weak wussy when it comes to candy!

The Past

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." The Promises

Oh, the past...the things I've said, the things I've done. The people I have hurt. The bottom line is, no matter how much I would want to, I cannot change the past, unless of coure I had a time machine, and even then, I'm not sure.

I am taking the necessary steps to be at peace with my past. But others...how can they be releived of their uncertainty, their fears as they relate to me and their experiences with me? I pray for thier acceptance and their willingness.
Today that's all I can do.

10,000 Pounds Overhead

So, I saw that Kellie's blog had listed the WOD as 10,000 pounds overhead, and my initial thought was, "April Fools!" And it never occured to me that the 4 rounds of exercise she had posted after had any relation to 10,000 pounds.

In my mind, the idea of 10,000 pounds over head is insane on the surface.

Thanks to great coaching and strategy provided by Nathan and Josh, the Wod was seriously not that bad.....actually it was great! I performed really well.

Go figure, my head says impossible, then my body proves my head wrong!

My perceptions are often off....so very off. I am grateful that I am beginning to notice this false reality that I create in my mind. Noticing just may be the first step in reshaping my view of the world, an my place within it!!

Balance

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted to my blog......Soemtimes I over think it and then don't post because I'm trying to come up with a very thought out synapsis, so from now on I am going to try to be more spontaneous.

Lately I have been struggling with balance. Sometimes my nutrition and fitness are insanely dialed in, but I'm not spending time on my relationships or the house is not as clean as it should be, or there is shopping that needs to be done. I am realizing that if I try to specialize in one event, the rest suffer. How does a girl find some balance.

A perfect day would look something like this:

Wake up and go to a meeting, pack lunches and backpacks before going

Come home to children who have been dressed and fed by their father, gather items for the day and pack bodies and items into car

Have a seemingly fluid drive across town to preschool, drop children off in their respective classrooms with no tears or tantrums. kisses, hugs and happy faces are preferable

Miracously make it to work on time...that would be 8 am sharp (rarely happens!!)

Have productive day at the office, using lunch break strategically for errands, like: bank, gas, target, trader joes, etc.

Leave the office for home, children have been picked up by husband or grandma

Arrive home and procure dinner in a fairly low stress manner and the food should be healthy and consumed by all with minimal to no whining about vegetables.

Somehow possess enough energy to get to a Corssfit class and kick $ss in my WOD, and see my friends

Make it home in time to read a story or two and have a kiss goodnight.....children are bathed and teeth are brushed

Mange to find 20 minutes of time for domestic chores so house does not look like clutters ville!

Have meaningful conversation with Jeffrey, potential adult exploits, fall over and crash hard to wake up and do it all again.

Like I said above referenced day is best case scenario and only occurs once in a blue moon. A number of variables can occur on a regaular basis that interrupt the mission....

Gotta love it when it all falls into place!!

Power Within

"May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road."


Today I hold on to this thought, and keep it close to my heart. When I saw the warmth in the sunrise, I was reminded to steer myself toward the light. Light is love, and with love all things are possible and I am free from fear.