He is an Outstanding Father

Yesterday I caught a glimpse of my husband, who had climbed to the top of the monkey bars, and had our little daughter sitting on his lap. They sat for a while....maybe laughing, maybe talking...I overheard something about a kitty and crocodile.

He is indeed an amazing father, and it is a joy to witness, from a distance, their relationship. It is theirs alone. He adores her, and she him. I feel truly blessed to have this man in my life, as my partner, and as their father.

As he worked on the painting of the trim in the living room yesterday, he had Elias join him. Together they worked, side by side...sanding wood and scraping paint with SHARP scrapers. Elias wants to be just like his daddy. He was not happy when he was not alowed at the top of the ladder, to peform more "work." He watches everyhting his father does, and mimics the behavior. Including swatting me on the behind yestrday and telling me something about being a good woman...somthing his father had done a few minutes prior.

He is a good man...my husband. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Joy is a choice!

Every Child is an artist
The problem is to remain
an artist once you grow up - Pablo Picaso

I pray today for the strength to be open and alive to all experiences in my life.

It has been my very nature for so many years to hide myself from others. Hide my thoughts, hide my actions, hide the inside of who I am. But, I feel a change coming from inside.

As I change my thoughts, my inner dialogue, I become more open to sharing with others. I don't feel the panic and the shame of living in a dark place where I am alone.

I want to celebrate my inner child, my inner artist. I want to give that "self" to my children to thoroughly celebrate their little beings and their childhood. I want to let them be children and not force them to be something they are not.

This is hard to do for me. I was not ever really allowed to be a child while I was growing up. I was, for the most part, expected to be a tiny adult for as long as I can remember. I can't put my finger on very much joy from my childhood. Pain comes to my mind, before joy.

And, because I cannot go back and change the past, all I have today, is this day. I can make a difference for my children. We can break the cycle together.

It is a lovely Saturday. In an hour we are off to ballet. My beautiful daughter adores this class, this time to be a little girl, dressed head to toe in her favorite color and amongst other little girly girls. While I don't relate to the ballet or the sea of light pink and the excitement of dancing to Beauty and the Beast, I do relate to the beaming smile she has when the class is over. Her smile brings joy.

Mr. E. has soccer today. It will be the first game of the season that his daddy gets to come and watch. I wish it wasn't going to be in the 90's today. He's not much a fan of the heat. I pray for the strength to let go of my fierce and fiery competitive nature, and let E have his own soccer experience. I pray for the ability to let go of my intensity, for it is mine and does not belong to him. I pray that when he leaves that field, whether he kicks the ball during the gamer or not, that he looks up into my eyes and says, like he did last night before he went to bed, "Mommy, I love soccer!"

Today is a great day. My family will be together. All four of us, together, celebrating this chance to be....a lovely family.

And I thank God for this opportunity. It is truly a gift. Today I choose joy. The joy of being a mother, the joy of being a wife, the joy of being a child of God and here in this life to share this journey with the people I meet.

A Rededication to Fitness and Diet

I am elated that I have gotten in cahoots with Johnny D and Crossfit Pasadena. After that last injury, all of my own doing, and maybe related to some misguided programming, it became apparent that I need some leadership. I needed a local Box where I can train on my lunch break. Lucky for me...dreams do come true. I am going back today for my second WOD with Johnny. I'm hoping my low back can tolerate the burpees. Time will tell. I'll report my stats after the WOD.

Also, I'm going to try to be more accountable with my diet. Earlier this year I lost 11 pounds while eating in a "zone" ish manner. Eyeballing portions and cutting out high glycemic carbs. I always keep a little bit of brown rice and dairy in my diet....mainly cheese and yogurt. I will lay off the sugar and see where those results take me.

My biggest demons: Pinkberry and Coffee Mate.

Today's breakfast: 1 apple, 1 string cheese, 2 strawberries. Wish I had some almonds, but I'm out.



For time:

15 Burpees
15 KB Push Jerk - Right Hand
15 Burpees
15 KB Push Jerk - Left Hand
15 Lat Pull Down 60% of BW

Rest 3 minutes

10 Burpees
10 KB Push Jerk - Right Hand
10 Burpees
10 KB Push Jerk - Left Hand
10 Lat Pull Down 60% of BW

Rest 2 minutes

5 Burpees
5 KB Push Jerk - Right Hand
5 Burpees
5 KB Push Jerk - Left Hand
5 Lat Pull Down 60% of BW

Post time, KB load, Lat Pull load, and thoughts to comments

Guns

So, it was another one of "those" days! As I was dropping E & C of at school, I was approached by E's teacher, and she requested a minute of my time. My mind immediately goes to "Dear heaven's what has he done now?" mode.

The latest offense against humanity......E is forming a gun with his thumb and index finger and apparently "shooting" at children in the preschool.

Now, this teacher knows that we allow him to play with guns at home. She is just asking for us to support her and talk to E about not making a pretend gun with his fingers. Because, guns are not safe, and we don't want children to feel unsafe at school.

Dear me....I must bite my tongue.........

In my opinion, if there is a child that is going to be detrimentally harmed by my child pointing his finger at them, then they are really in for a rude awakening when they make it out into the real world.

Yes, I will talk to E, Jeffrey will talk to E. I already do take his guns away if I catch him pointing them at people or animals. Jeffrey repeatedly talks to E about gun safety.....there are something like 4 rules......I think one of them is never let the muzzle cover anything you are not willing to shoot.......I can't specifically remember the others......but make no mistake:

All real weapons are locked up at our house. E will possibly be allowed to shoot a bb gun (at a target (inanimate) in Ohio on his grandpa's farm this October.....wearing goggles, and completely supervised by his father. We will raise him to respect guns, and utilize them in safe conditions.

After said incident at school.....I desperately wanted to purchase every single GI Joe toy at Target and let E take them to school for share day.......Alas.....I must show some restraint......I might not like it.....but that's what I will do.

It probably doesn't help the matter much that I bought E his first holster with 2 cowboy pistols over the weekend.

Thoughts about my boy!

Elias’ teacher asked me to stay and chat with her this morning. She asked, is everything ok at home? My response, better than it ever has been. She said Elias is being overly silly and disruptive this week. They have done away with the class’ regular structure, for more summer fun…little dude needs structure and boundaries…….anyway, you know what the difference is now then it was when I was drinking. Now I think…..he’s not a bad kid, and it’s their job to create an environment that works for Eli……he’s not biting or hitting or yelling or name calling…..the kid is just silly. I am able to keep things in perspective a bit more these days!!! What a blessing. I told her that I would talk to him about listening…..and not being too silly……I know I have years of this very same conversation ahead of me. It’s who he is…sweet and silly…..I like him that way. I say, if you are ever having a bad day, you would be so lucky to have a friend like Elias, because he will lift your spirit in no time flat, and make you laugh and feel loved.

Reflections From Mud Run

So...back in January when Mud Run went on sale...or maybe it was December...I was totally amped to run Mud Run in 2009. I had grand aspirations of training hard for the race...honestly ...I did. But, things happen, life happens, and the training never really materialized.

I can honestly say that with the exception of Crossfit WODs where 200, 400 or 800 meter sprints are involved, and two other runs ((1) 5k on Thanksgiving, and (1) 4.4 mile run on Easter)I did not prepare for the mud run in any way shape or form.

My ego was really messing with me. The entire week before the race I thought about pulling out, about not going down for the race. You see, I'm kind of competitive, and I don't like to get beat on the course....actually I don't really like to get beat anywhere, anytime...so my head said...don't go!

In the end, there were other people counting on me to make the trip down, and while I can rain on my own parade, I can't screw over other people with my issues. So I decided to go. I left my ego in Monrovia, and decided to have a good time.

On the way there were a few surprises. I made a new friend or two, and they have their own Crossfit Affiliate....now those are cool friends to have! Someday I'm going to go down and hang with them at their place for fun...maybe learn a little bit about muscle ups---hear they are superb at teaching the muscle up!

As for the course...being in the chute before the race began was cool...rubbing elbows with other excited racers. Star Spangled Banner brought goosebumps and tears. I loved the guy in front of us waving his own American Flag...he carried it on the run, although he was way faster than me, so I have no idea if he carried it across the lake or not! Mile 1 was fast and fun. Mile 2 was where my head started messing with me.....by body was like screw you!!!, but I kept going. Mile 3 and 4....hill climb all the way...let my girls go ahead without me...kept a comfortable pace for me and stayed really focused. I think that course is really daunting because you can see the hill go on and on for what seems to be forever....very menacing!!

Once I got to the top, I knew I would love the rest of the race....downhill was hard on my legs...easy on my lungs. Mud pits were stinky. Wall climbs were awesome. The lake crossing is my favorite. Slippery hill almost made my calves cramp...final mud pit chewed up my knees a bit.....but I scooted through the tunnel like a pro.

So glad I pushed through my mental stuff, because I had a great time. In the last half mile I spotted Kelli.....that was so cool to cherr for her in her boots and Utes.......got me out of myself.

In the end I had a time of 1:20:07.....not too shabby for a girl who was running for the third time this year......

I think I owe a lot to Crossfit....that program gives me strength. I kind of thought...wow...imagine if I actually trained, and by trained I mean ran.....I might be pretty good.

And that's pretty cool!!

Tabata's The Way To Start The Day!

Boy do I love me some Tabata! To keep it simple, Tabata is 8 rounds of an exercise....like push-ups and each round consists of 20 seconds of work followed by 10 seconds of rest. In essence the workout was only 20 minutes in it's entirety...but it was a kicker!! 5 stations: Rowing, push-ups, box jumps, kettle bell swings, and wall ball sit ups. Of all the exercises...the push ups (chest to floor) were undoubtedly the most grueling. So glad I had some Starbucks oatmeal before the WOD.....needed the fuel!

Today was also AYSO sign -ups for fall soccer. I am so excited for Eli to play, and I just couldn't help thinking to myself....he is so grown up!!! Much more a boy than a little boy. I came home and gave him his free t-shirt, and he informed me that it was not right! There was no number on the back. He is jonesing a uniform and please, please let him end up on a red team!!

The rest of the day has been consumed by domestic diva type stuff. So much fun!! I had a ham bone and a chicken carcass, so I threw them in a stock pot to make a tasty base for soup. Since it's such a cloudy day...soup sounds amazing. The soup may be one of my best ever....ham and turkey with white bean, tomato, zucchini and celery.

I also baked 2 trays of 7 layer bars. In my opinion, the 7 layer bar is the finest "cookie" on the planet. My mother in law sends them every year for Christmas. OK...seriously...they are the easiest thing in the cookie world to throw together....haven't tasted them yet.....but I'm hoping they come out of the pan nicely.

I have a baking commitment every Sunday for a meeting I attend. And, I must say it's been really fun so far to "get my bake on". So far I have rolled out chocolate chip walnut, peanut butter with peanut butter chips and now the 7 layer bars. Who knows what it will be next week???

We might go out to dinner tonight...kids want Pinkberry...but then they always want Pinkberry, and quite frankly, I agree with them.

9 Months

Today marks 9 months of sobriety. There aren't words to express how grateful I am that I decided it was time to make a change. I am no longer a victim in this world. I am no longer consumed by anger and rage. It's kinda funny, because all in all I have the same problems today that I had 9 months ago....but I am dealing with them differently. Today I have moments of serenity, moments of pure joy, a lot of hope.

I don't want anyone to think that everything is miraculously better. Somedays I still act like a total ass, to myself and others...some times I have a lot of faith and know that I am on the right path to my proper destiny. Sometimes, I lose sight of the miracle and everything gets dark and negative and painful. Thank God for the friends I have made in the past few months, and for those who have stood by my side for some time. Even though some people might not understand the journey I am on, appreciate the breathing room and respect I have been given. To my friends....I love you!

Now for some totally disjointed comments about Balance, and the lack of it in my life...perhaps I'll call this rants and raves!

Rants!

I have only done Crossfit 3 times in the last 2 weeks...this is so lame. 2 of those times have been at the globo gym...again LAME!

I saw my neighbor's cleaning lady show up this morning as we were leaving for work and school....can we say ENVY!!!! My house has not been spic and span for months now...it's more like a constant state of triage of the most dire health hazard!! Again....LAME!

My gardener sucks.....why can't I just make it a priority to find a new one....must work on this!!

Got paid, and paid bills.....bleh!!! too depressing for words, so I try to do it quickly and forget about it.

Car needs oil change, new rear tires and smog check. I've got a great mechanic, but organizing the drop off, getting the kids to school and the pick up....makes my head dizzy already.

Being separated is lame! I don't like it one bit. I don't know what will ultimately happen...this is a complicated topic, so I'll keep it vague and brief

Raves!

My girlfriend is coming over at 6 am tomorrow so I can go to my favorite AA meeting and take a 9 month chip, and then go to 8 am Crossfit.....Heaven. Did I mention she is a rock star goddess!!! A true gift!

The swing set in the backyard is the best money I have ever spent in my whole life. Jeffrey worked so hard to refurbish it and after only a week of having it up in the yard, I feel it was worth not only the $800 I paid for it, but also the other $250 I paid to have it taken down and delivered....have I mentioned my kids are flippin' monkeys?

The neighbors have given us, in the past week, an almost brand new pair of Birkenstock sandals and shin guards for Elias...plus a hand me down 14" Batman bike. They have also pledged a skateboard......heaven!!!!! In addition, they traded me a 1/2 used bottle of gnat and mosquito killer for the yard for my watching their little guy for an hour or so. I'm not sure they realize it makes my life easier when their guy is here!! I have the best neighbors!!!!

My mom came over this week and watered, did laundry, baked a chicken and root vegetables and bathed and fed my kids....did I mention she does windows.....thanks Mom!!

I love my kids. They rock beyond belief. I love the weekend...I love spending time with them.

Excited for Hillbilly Easter

What can I say.......I'm excited for hilbilly Easter. I was having a hard time deciding on a menu for Sunday dinner. In speaking with a good friend, we decided that it will be a full blown down home cookin event....with a little help from our good friend Honey Baked Ham. It's the anti-christ of a Zone Easter....hallelujah! Honey Baked Ham and Turkey, Baked Beans with Bacon, Conrbread, Cheesy scalloped potatoes, Broccoli (for good measure) and Strawberry Shortcake for dessert. Oh my!

The bunny reminded me that he prefers the sprinklers to be turned off so his fancy paws don't have to get wet when he hides his magical eggs in the yard. Silly Bunny!!!! Hopefully I'll remember, it's kind of a tall order amongst the usual chaos. Not chaos bad...just everyday chaos!!!

Anyway, I'm thinking a trip to the PHS farmer's market is in order for some fresh strawberries and perhaps some glorios flowers. And...if it happens to be raining, we will splash madly in the puddles as we peruse the goods. Yes, this sounds like a fun adventure!!

Happy Easter my freinds! God is good!!

Hope

Today I am refreshingly filled with hope. It's much better then where I've been the past couple of days. I am convinced that there will always be bumps on the road to happy destiny. What is important is to find a way to not let the bump careen you off the road into a dark pit. I'm learning how to absorb the bump, how to redirect, and how to be soft and kind...loving and tolerant. These are good things.

As a quick side note (frightening confession): 4 Easter baskets from the grandparents arrived yesterday, and I am now haunted and tortured by massive amounts of sugar in the house. I ingested an entire bag of bunny shaped gooey goodness. Damn I love a good gummy bunny! By next Wednesday, all that crap has got to leave my house.....my only control is not to have it...sorry kids.....your moms a weak wussy when it comes to candy!

The Past

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." The Promises

Oh, the past...the things I've said, the things I've done. The people I have hurt. The bottom line is, no matter how much I would want to, I cannot change the past, unless of coure I had a time machine, and even then, I'm not sure.

I am taking the necessary steps to be at peace with my past. But others...how can they be releived of their uncertainty, their fears as they relate to me and their experiences with me? I pray for thier acceptance and their willingness.
Today that's all I can do.

10,000 Pounds Overhead

So, I saw that Kellie's blog had listed the WOD as 10,000 pounds overhead, and my initial thought was, "April Fools!" And it never occured to me that the 4 rounds of exercise she had posted after had any relation to 10,000 pounds.

In my mind, the idea of 10,000 pounds over head is insane on the surface.

Thanks to great coaching and strategy provided by Nathan and Josh, the Wod was seriously not that bad.....actually it was great! I performed really well.

Go figure, my head says impossible, then my body proves my head wrong!

My perceptions are often off....so very off. I am grateful that I am beginning to notice this false reality that I create in my mind. Noticing just may be the first step in reshaping my view of the world, an my place within it!!

Balance

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted to my blog......Soemtimes I over think it and then don't post because I'm trying to come up with a very thought out synapsis, so from now on I am going to try to be more spontaneous.

Lately I have been struggling with balance. Sometimes my nutrition and fitness are insanely dialed in, but I'm not spending time on my relationships or the house is not as clean as it should be, or there is shopping that needs to be done. I am realizing that if I try to specialize in one event, the rest suffer. How does a girl find some balance.

A perfect day would look something like this:

Wake up and go to a meeting, pack lunches and backpacks before going

Come home to children who have been dressed and fed by their father, gather items for the day and pack bodies and items into car

Have a seemingly fluid drive across town to preschool, drop children off in their respective classrooms with no tears or tantrums. kisses, hugs and happy faces are preferable

Miracously make it to work on time...that would be 8 am sharp (rarely happens!!)

Have productive day at the office, using lunch break strategically for errands, like: bank, gas, target, trader joes, etc.

Leave the office for home, children have been picked up by husband or grandma

Arrive home and procure dinner in a fairly low stress manner and the food should be healthy and consumed by all with minimal to no whining about vegetables.

Somehow possess enough energy to get to a Corssfit class and kick $ss in my WOD, and see my friends

Make it home in time to read a story or two and have a kiss goodnight.....children are bathed and teeth are brushed

Mange to find 20 minutes of time for domestic chores so house does not look like clutters ville!

Have meaningful conversation with Jeffrey, potential adult exploits, fall over and crash hard to wake up and do it all again.

Like I said above referenced day is best case scenario and only occurs once in a blue moon. A number of variables can occur on a regaular basis that interrupt the mission....

Gotta love it when it all falls into place!!

Power Within

"May I always remember that the power within me is far greater than any fear before me. May I always have patience, for I am on the right road."


Today I hold on to this thought, and keep it close to my heart. When I saw the warmth in the sunrise, I was reminded to steer myself toward the light. Light is love, and with love all things are possible and I am free from fear.

A Quick Peek Inside My Mind

Warning!! A peek inside my mind might be scattered. I've gotten used to it. Actually I kind if like it!

Today started out with a trip to Trader Joe's for some shopping. The weekend trip to Big Bear really threw me for a loop with my diet. It was more like a cheat weekend that flowed into Thursday, filled with more carbs than I care to explain in any detail, and there was sugar and fatty goodness thrown in to boot.

Nevertheless, today I am on a mission to get back on a zonish eating plan. Zonish, because I'm just not as strict or dedicated as all you Paleo Zoners out there....I give you mad props....but I've got too much going on in my life right now to risk being edgy and irritable from diet restriction. I'm not judging anyone elses experiences form eating Paleo Zone.....I just know that when I eliminate all grains and dairy from my diet, I turn into a grouchy female dog......and my kids and a few select "others" don't need that in their life right now.

I changed up my breakfast regimen, and it was awesome. I just couldn't hack another protein oatmeal bowl, so I went for egg whites, soy bacon (A rather odd, and strangely red concoction!!), a corn tortilla and 1 tbsp of spicy humus, with a couple of shakes of Tapatio--ole!). It was heaven, oh and I threw in about a half a cup of blackberries for good measure!!

I just polished off my lunch....which rocked! About a half a cup of brown rice, half a cup of shrimp, a cup of broccoli and asparagus, and a few "flavor balls" and onions out of the Trader Joe's fire roasted balsamic vegetable frozen blend (to die for if you haven't tried it, but contains carrots for all you high glycemic veggie haters!)

Anyway.....I see a cheese stick/apple/almond snack in my future and a veggie chicken dinner.

For me, that's pretty much back on track.

I missed out on a whole week of Crossfit, which totally blows, but the Big Bear trip was awesome and totally worth it....and life has been hectic since I got back with escrow papers, and banking, and working with my sponsor....so I've been "taking care of business" and next week I'll be back in CF action. One of my co-workers said, "Jess, if you don't work out for a week, it's not going to kill you!"

Of course he is absolutely right, but when I read the Academy blog, and lots of my friends are making huge gains in their training, and I am absent, it makes me feel left out and some how not connected ( but I'm stoked for all y'all !)......I want to accomplish things alongside my friends......next week I say!!!!!

My boy has been saying some funny stuff this week.....most notably, "Are you thinkin what I'm thinkin?" Followed by...."That's silly right?" and last night there was his proclamation that he can speak Spanish followed up with, "No Problema!"

I believe I also heard him singing..."If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear!" Oh my, how some things haven't changed since I was a kid.

And what else???? Little baby girl is really going through some willful period right now, with many temper tantrums that include kicking......it will pass. She's pretty hard core when it comes to not giving in.......wonder where she gets that from?????

The week has been amazing! I feel blessed and hopeful and loved. I feel strong in mind and in body. What more can you ask for? I'm thinking not much!!

Jesus Died on a Board, Then He Was Buried

The other night, while sitting together in the living room as a family, my 4 year old boy blurted out of nowhere, "Jesus died on a board, then he was buried." This statement surprised me. Alas, it did not end there, and was surely followed with, "And then what happened mommy?"

My first reaction was to look at his father's face, perhaps thinking I might see his jaw on the floor. This was not the case. Daddy has a knack for taking things in at face value and not reading too much into them. Bless him for his simplicity!

And so I feel that I am at a Crossroads, where I need to begin educating my children about spirituality....and for me, I feel comfortable teaching them these concepts through religion.

I immediately knew why he has proclaimed that Jesus had died. You see, we had an opportunity to visit a Catholic church for mass last week, and there on the walls right next to our pew, were several religious paintings depicting the Crucifixion. My boy is a very curious creature, and has a love for all things dark and morbid (his favorite movie is Nightmare Before Christmas, and frequently begs to rent horror films like The Mummy). Do not be alarmed...we do not let him watch horror movies, but if he could, he would.

As of late, this little man is contemplating death frequently. He does not appear to be frightened by death, mostly curious. It may have started as innocently as , please do not step on the rolly polly, you will squish him and he will die. Or, please do not pull the flowers off of the plants, they will die. We have also been watching The Crocodile Hunter, and so he sees animals eating other animals and "skeleton bones" as he calls them. There are times when he may ask, "do people die, do babies die, do daddy's die?"

These questions deserve an answer, and I strive to be honest with my children at all times without providing information that may frighten them. My beautiful boy, trying to wrap his head around living and dying....so it brings me back to spirituality and religion...

It is important to me that my children know that there is a greater force working in the world, that they do not need to be frightened, because they are never alone. I want them to believe in God and trust that God is with them, in their little hearts...always....that the world is an imperfect place, but that God's love is perfect if they carry him on their journey.

And well, then there's the topic of religion.......so my boy's question...."And then what happened?" I don't feel equipped to explain the Resurrection of Jesus to my child.

I spent most of my life having no faith at all in the concept of a higher power, but am easily comforted by the possibility that this is not true. I have grabbed on to God.....to Christianity, like a life preserver in a stormy sea....

I'm thinking sooner rather than later you will find us back at All Saints on Sundays. I have the utmost faith that their children's ministry can answer my boy's most burning question to date....."and then what happened?"

A Glorious Release

I am starting to learn that if I stop fighting, protesting and arguing with the world that I am more capable of seeing and feeling things as they really are. For years, my self-will and self centeredness has reduced my perspective to a very narrow and painful pea hole full of pain and anger that always leads to misery. What a release it has been, to let go. In letting go, I am free. I hear other people, not only hear them, but process their experience. Sometimes, processing their experiences is painful, because I have played a part in causing pain, or doubt, or frustration. However, if I set the fighting aside, I am blessed with the opportunity to speak my truth. There is so much freedom in my truth. For this moment, my heart is at peace, and my head is quiet....and for me, this is a glorious release!!